Ok, ladies and gents. The last six months of my life have been so hectic, both good and bad. When I thought about writing this blog, I did not know where to start. Therefore, I’m just going to categorize them in terms of Physical, Emotional, and Mental.
I thank God for this vessel my soul resides in, but at times I strongly desire to replace it with another container with less imperfections. My physical body has health issues, inside and out. It is quite cumbersome, and exceedingly annoying at times. I have to consume several different drugs, both medical and herbal, to control and maintain my body. If I neglect it, I can not function properly on a day- to -day basis, and maybe I wouldn’t “function” at all o_O. Hopefully, that doesn’t happen, but I hope the reader is not misled to believe that I clench my fist at the thought of ceasing to function; I am not afraid of the inevitable. In the Beginning, there was an End, and in the End, there was a Beginning. To exacerbate my far from optimal health condition, I was unable to exercise this past semester because my school workload did not permit me to. I could easily notice that my body was unfortunately becoming lax. Additionally, my health status has also declined, and I am reminded every couple of days by my body because symptoms begin to show up. It is frustrating, but, then at the end of my disapproval sessions, I appreciate this vessel of mine. The amount of people in worse situations is innumerable. Therefore, I’m grateful, but that doesn’t mean I cannot complain every once in a while; I’m Human.
I have been mentally drained these last six months. From attending graduate school events, researching and applying for graduate schools, working part-time at my home institution, to taking 20 credits worth of classes, my life has been far from average. I love being busy, and although it may seemingly be undesirable, I also love the challenge in completing an insane amount of tasks and objectives, alas a double egde sword has revealed itself. Working under the pressure from the weight of the amount of tasks I must complete is taxing to my mental, physical, and emotional stability. The challenge of completing the many tasks is thrilling, but the effort in doing so is hazardous to my health. I am chuckling to myself as I write because I just realized that I might exhibit masochist characteristics, but I’ll not discuss that here. Returning to the point of this section, I have fed my insatiable mind constantly with five star stimulants, and yet it thirst for more. I love it and hate it. I love it because I hunger for more. I hate it because, like human digestive system, I consume the knowledge, but eventually excrete it from my mind, unintentionally though. My memory retention ability is below par, and it has become a significant hindrance in my life. Whenever I memorize a new word, I forget the meaning of the word two weeks to a month later. This applies to other, if not all, aspects of my life. My progression socially and educationally is retarded by my lack of retention. This is also frustrating, but I deal. I cope with my limitations, and I surely do not use it as an excuse to not be the best that I can be. Determination and Perseverance defines me. Everything is Mental.
A man who is master of himself can end a sorrow as easily as he can invent a pleasure. I don’t want to be at the mercy of my emotions. I want to use them, to enjoy them, and to dominate them ~ Oscar Wilde. The lady that I refer to as ‘Mother and Sister’ can undoubtedly testify that I, with all the power I can procure within myself, try to enslave my emotions. Emotions are entities that are not to be trifled with. They can easily sway the actions of the people, and can leave a person making illogical and irrational decisions. Emotions have the ability to create both feelings of absolute elation as well as complete dispair. Emotion is the fuel for Drive and Determination, Love and Hate, Euphoria and Misery. My Emotions are my Mortal Enemies. They have too much power, and I rather keep them in check. As I was named after the Apple of God’s Eyes, I have enslaved my emotions in order to control them, for I am King of this vehicle. With my emotions subdued, I am free to be analytical, logical, and rational leaving me to think with crystal clarity; a treasure adamantly sought. However, even a king eventually shows evidence of weaknesses, or at least, sporadic moments in times where the citadel he put all his efforts into fortifying inevitably displays cracks. Yes, the Year of 2010 was an emotional roller coaster for me.
I returned from studying abroad in Japan a little over a year ago, and while I was there I hesitantly became emotionally attached to a certain female; we will call her ‘M’. The same reason I studied abroad, I became attached to M because I need something to illuminate a path different from the one I was currently treading upon. At the time, I was full of suppressed anger, envy, despair, and hate directed at certain people in my life and the university I still currently attend. I will not detail those who were the objects of my disdain nor the reason why, but all that is needed that I was not truly in a happy place emotionally. Thus, M and the study abroad program were well needed vehicles of recovery for me. After returning to my home institution, almost exactly a year ago, M cut off our relations. With both mediums gone, I fell into a state of minor dispair. I didn’t know what to do with myself, and I was far from productive. Serenity comforted me in my time of need and took me to church. The sermon for that day completely applied to my situation, and it assuaged the weights on my shoulders. I love Serenity and God because when I am in need, they are sure to follow. After that incident, I told myself, I will not become attached to any other female for a long time until I am ready for a committed relationship. That was a year ago, and I’m still single.
The next emotional experience was directed at one of my childhood friends; we will call her Y. During the beginning of 2010 summer, my friend’s mother died, and to add to that, her father had already past away. Parentless, at least in the world of the living. I knew I couldn’t understand what she was going through, and it tore my soul asunder. I wanted to comfort her, hold her, or just anything that could have alleviated whatever she was feeling at the time. I wasn’t able to see her before I left for California, and I didn’t want to text her because she may have already been in the process of being overloaded with sympathy calls and text messages. So I left her alone for a while. After I spent a little time in Cali, I had this nagging feeling that I should call someone, and then I randomly had the urge to talk to my grandparents in Nigeria. I ask my mom via phone to connect my grandparents and I through the phone we she got the chance, but she alerted me that I will get to talk or see them at the end of the summer. I said ok. At the end of the summer, I received a call that my grandfather had died…that was it, the nagging feeling that something was going to happen. I am normally a happy person, always trying to make people smile, but this time I needed someone to do that for me. The full force of my emotions was being held back by the dam that I built to control them, but if the flood gates had opened it would have destroyed me. As I said before, they are powerful, and they tried to break free, they tried to break me; they often do. Sporadically, I find droplets of tears slowly sliding down my face whenever he crosses my mind for long periods of time. But I cope. I handle. I must. In the beginning, it helped that there was a russian lady who’s smile I could think of that made me cheer up in a short period of time. She unknowingly help me Shut my Emotions Down, in the sense that I should appreciate what I have now in the present, forget about the past, and look towards the future. For that, I am grateful. товарищ
That last significant emotional experience occurred Fall Semester 2010. This experience spawned from trying to survive attending school and balancing every other aforementioned aspect of my life detailed in the Mental section. The sense of not knowing how the results of all the effort you put into your life is both pleasurable and unpleasant. Similar to a mystery, a movie catering to suspense, or a land that will soon relinquish the title of being unchartered, the unknowing is enticing to me. Not being able to figure out the end result of your efforts … feels good. Pain is Pleasure, and Pleasure is Pain, but it is a double-edge sword. I do not need to discuss any further about it because I am still here. I can say that my grades were definitely …definitely unexpected, and it turned out great. I would not say I thank God for my achievements, because that is not how my God works. I rather thank God for giving me the ability to accomplish the goals that I have achieved thus far. I’m in a new semester, and like I have been this past year, it’s going to be all about me. Just Another Day in the Life of David’s Ego 🙂